shyladevonne's Blog

Some people are so caught up in their cloud of insanity that it becomes a funnel; they try to suck up everything around them into it.

You're angry because I turned out more like your mother than you, not my fault. You still act this way towards me when I leave for college in 9 days, & haven't been home for months. You expect me to be as miserable as you are, and it eats you alive that I'm NOT. You project your thoughts & insecurities about yourself onto others, especially me. YOU are the one who likes to argue, not I. Your own mother said you like to run your mouth. Yet you say it's ME that likes to have the last word.

But that is all old news. Now you act as if I am a stranger, some odd creature. You said I am a part of you, like it or not, and that we all come from the same womb. You said you don't know what I'd do, & that you're not "scared". Scared of what? You said it was over & done with, yet you say you're not "scared" to say what you have to say. Now I'm some dangerous person that would cause harm to my little brother. If that's a part of you, I fear for them. I fear for them anyway, for having to live with & absorb your insanity. One is already too far gone, & sadly but not surprisingly, it's the youngest.

And sadly, this will go unforgiven & unforgotten until some profound revalation is acheived by her, and I do not see that coming any time soon. My ship has finally come, it's time for me to depart. I only have to endure 12-13 more hours of Hell, then I am free at last. Well I am REALLY free in 9 more days.

How girls can be so blind to guys being complete jerks to them. And think they are in love with them. I got past this phase when I was in 7th grade. Now I'm a senior, and girls around me are still falling for the same crap!

One of my friends claims she's in love with this guy. She's lost friends over him. She's 16 and he's 19. She's known him for less than a year, and she's never dated him. I don't know what else they've done besides kissing, (I know not sex though) but she hints that they may have done other things. Right now he has a girlfriend, but he still meets her & hangs out with her & MAKES out with her. Supposedly his girlfriend doesn't care what he does. Supposedly he has went out with other girls right after meeting them. She said she told him she loved him the first MONTH she knew him! Two of her best friends have also fallen in "love" with him, and he hasn't dated them either. I've met the guy once and he's nothing to write home about. He obviously gets a kick out of girls falling head over heels for him, and likes to play with their emotions, and they don't see that.

Anybody who even dared question her "love" for this guy, she has attacked and ceased friendship with them. A few she made up with, but she still doesn't trust them. People have tod her she's obsessed, and she gets furious. I haven't said anything because I don't want unecessary drama, but it's true. She IS obsessed, and she DOES need to move on & stop letting this jerk run her life. Talking to her doesn't work, and it's been a while now and she doesn't see it herself, so I guess there's nothing that can be done.

How can you think you love someone that doesn't love you? How can you even CHASE someone that long, that keeps teasing you, wont date you, calls you names, ignores you, cheats, etc.? And then get MAD when a ton of your friends tell you to move on??

I found love.

In 7th grade one day there was this new kid. In my last class of the day he got assigned the seat next to me. He would always talk to me, but I thought he was annoying and talked about nothing. By the end of the year I was ok with him.

So it's the first day of 8th grade, I walk in and almost all the seats are taken, and I don't really know anyone except for him. Happy to see a familiar face, I sit there. We quickly became friends, best friends. In that grade, we had all our classes with the same people all day, so I saw him a lot. I had started to like him, but I'd push that thought out of my head. "I can't like him, he's my friend". I'd tell myself. Then one day in the spring, after I basically didn't have feelings for him that way anymore, he told me that he liked me. I was overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and avoided being alone with him for a while. I couldn't go out with him, he was my best friend, and he was too immature anyhow. Plus, I liked a bunch of other guys, and he liked other girls. But there was another reason too, a deeper reason that I only partially understood at the time. I told him, "I'll date you in 5 years maybe." This of course sounded absurd to him. I didn't know why, but I knew that if I decided he was my boyfriend, we would be together for a looong time, it'd be different from any other guy, and I wasn't ready for anything like that at 13 years old.

Skip ahead to 9th grade. He still likes me, still always periodically asking me if I'd go out with him. "What if it ruins our friendship?" I'd tell him. "I don't want to risk it." We had so much fun together, that year, and the ones before. We'd always be laughing, always together. People always thought we were a couple, or told us we'd look cute together. They'd always ask why we weren't. Well October 7th 2006 we were in homeroom, I was talking to him. Suddenly, something click. Suddenly, I was looking at him, and I saw the world in his eyes. I felt something speak to me, telling me that there's no way I could let him get away, no way I should pass up this opportunity, he's the most lovely person ever. I told him I'd be his girl.

We dated for a year and a few weeks. We were 14 and in love. Obviously, we didn't know how to handle such a strong feeling. Things weren't perfect, and I was uneasy. I thought again, "I'm not ready for this". As quick as my decision was to date him, I broke up with him late October of 2007. There were other problems as well, all relating to us being too young to handle it. I told him I still wanted to be friends. He couldn't handle that though, he didn't talk to me the same. We drifted apart and went our seperate ways. For nearly a year, we barely spoke. I didn't want it to end that way, but I convinced myself it was for the better, and moved on. Why stay in a relationship I wasn't happy in?

Now onto 10th grade. The first day of school at lunch time, I saw him in line at the cafeteria. I thought it was sad that someone I was once so close to, as close as family, was now someone I never spoke to. I asked him how he was, and he said he'd sit at my table. We sat with some friends, he being one person apart from me. We talked minimally at first, about our summers, anecdotes from our year apart. Then we started talking about more personal things, then the old times. On my birthday in September 2008, he had to do something during lunchtime. Before he left, he gave me a folded piece of paper that said Happy Birthday. I opened it, and it was a poem entitled, "I Miss You". It was the sweetest thing ever. I wrote a response telling him I miss him too. After that, we started becoming almost just as it was before. It was as if someone had pressed a pause button the year before, and had now hit play again. After a while I asked my friend to switch seats with me so I could sit by him. We still were not officially back together, until November.

I knew now that this was true love. There's no way you don't speak to someone for a year, and rekindle everything 10-fold in 3 months. Things took off from there, better than I could have ever imagined. There was such a drastic improvement from last time, in all aspects. Sure we had our arguments, but we stuck it out, we didn't give up, because we were older and more mature. And after every fight, we became closer. We learned something new about eachother, and eliminated one more thing from ever being a problem again.

Now it is senior year, and we are 17. We are closer than ever. We have basically become one. I say things he says, and vice versa. We have not only picked up eachother's sayings and mannerisms, but also philosophies and personality traits. It's like you took 2 different color liquids, and shook them up, mixing and blending, until finally there was a perfect balance and a brilliant hue. I trust him, and he trusts me. We can talk to eachother across the room without saying a word. There's so many times where I say something he was about to say, and vice versa. I never get tired of him, this has been tested. During the summer we couldn't see eachother in person, but we talked on the phone every night for 4-6 hours. I've spent the whole day with him before, and at the end, I want more. We ALWAYS have something to talk about. When I'm with him, it feels like all is right & well. I can connect everything I do throughout the day with something that we talked about. Everything reminds me of him in some way. And just when I think it can't get any better, our love can't get any deeper, it goes to the next level. It gets better & better with time.

So in continuance of my last post, maybe THAT was why I moved up here. We were fated to meet. As much as it does suck as I said, I'd trade nothing in this world for the years I've spent with him. Knowing him has changed me forever, and made me happier than ever. If anything was worth being up here for, it was him.